And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy.
And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.
This pervasive, destructive thought occurs to every single woman. Dating makes me feel like I’m 15 years old again, living every day with the fearful hope that someone somewhere will notice me and step out of the crowd and tell me, finally, that I am pretty, I have value, it’s all going to be OK. Instead I receive indifference, which I turn on myself. The idea that men will only like you if you’re the prettiest is the opinion of an adolescent mind, frantically trying to make sense of the chaos of the world.
The voice that speaks this thought is thin and shrill and it tells us that men are superficial and only care about whether or not we present a perfect package at first glance. No one is picking me so I must not be pretty enough. And this theory breaks down before logic because empirical prettiness does not exist.
Let me repeat: It’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex.
Dana Norris is the founder of Story Club and she once went on 71 internet dates. I meet them both at the Bad Dog Tavern, a restaurant near where I live.
Both have vaguely amusing profiles and are smiling in their pictures, which is harder to find than you’d think.
I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.
Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me? Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone.